Tuesday, December 2, 2008

my basement

When I enter the basement of who I am, some things never seem to change. I feel like I have changed the lightbulbs down here a million times.Yet, somehow the old dingy lightbulbs are back.I thought I cleaned out that corner of shame, bleaching it with the blood of Christ. Yet, somehow the mire has built up again like gangrene suffocating the atmosphere down here. The floor is dirty with irresponsibility. What? I thought ... oh, yeah I haven't taken care of this stuff yet. I left bills everywhere. I forgot to turn in that assignment and neglected to get that email out of here on time. I left my lesson half worked on. I see all those prayer requests tossed to the floor that I wanted to take to Jesus but ran out of time. All this is strewn around reminding me of what I haven't done.

There is the solid spiritual discipline weight set in the corner. I use it every day. Yet, my work outs are often cheap and completed just so I can feel strong. The weights are older than they should be. I should be continually developing and building my set, but it looks familiar and bland. It feels that there is no adventure, scandal or push to my workout. It seems I tell myself that I will always clean this basement soon. I even buy the tools, plan free time and pysche myself up about it. Right now, I just want to go grab something from upstairs. Surely, I will be down in a minute...

Yet, as I get to the first floor, I have to clean my living room, for my wife is missing time with me in my busyness. I dirtied it this morning as I rushed around to get to my next responsibility, leaving my wife in the wake of my frenzy, weariness and frustration. I plan on getting back on this floor, too. I just had to run upstairs real quick because I have to do something up there real quick, because tonight is Bible Study night!

On the second floor I find myself very overwhelmed. The bedroom could use some remodeling for the administration of ministry is far too taxing. The bathroom is sloppy with the lack of organization in pursuing students. I have to tidy up the rec room for we have 3 events in the next 4 days that need to be planned. I have to get this together!
I trip over the missions trip in the hall. Oh, I have to talk to people about what we are doing and when. I have to get parents information. Oh, I have to make that phone call, too. Er, make that three phone calls real quick. I quickly throw some things in the grad school closet, closing it quickly so as to not face how I have not invested enough time to organize and work on this.I spend hours if not days running around trying to help the various things left opened, unkempt and dirty. I realize that there is no way I can adequately handle working on this.I hear a window break on the first floor because a tree branch called neglect has shattered in the living room where my wife is waiting for me. I run down to clean that up and to mend the hurt that it has done to our home.

I start to scramble.

I rush back to the basement to work on my muscles quickly ... as I come down I notice the gangrene of shame has grown. The lightbulbs are changed again, dark and dingy with those annoying flickers and buzzes. The weights look wimpy and rusty. My heart sinks. I feel like all I do is housework. Basement. 1st floor. 2nd floor. Sometimes, I love them all. Love them. Yet, today they all feel hard and guilty. I feel lonely and helpless. The task is bigger than I am able to handle.

I pick up the phone of Prayer and call the number of Grace and ask for the King of Kings. He, of course says He would be right in and was waiting outside...
I start to tell Him about the disaster going on. He says that He knew and knows just how to help. He brings me a feast. I didn't realize how hungry I was. We hang out, laugh at the disaster of self, again. We finish and He tells me He was going to work on the the lights, the shame, the closets, the rec room and the kitchen. He tells me to go work out, hug my wife and pray for students. He says it with a smile not a frown.

I tell Him that I love it when He comes over. He smiles and says He's been knocking for a while.

5 comments:

brightoctoberdreams said...

Bean, wonderfully described. I kind of felt like you were describing my life. Thanks for sharing that. I'm stoked about your blog...going to add you to my Reader right now. I look forward to your 'addendums'.

Tammy said...

Hey Ben, thanks for sharing your thoughts. After reading these firsts three addendums, I had a tear in my eye, a lump in my throat and was speechless for a bit. May we all continue to be quieted by Him.

Becky said...

I echo Tammy... trying not to cry at work. Thanks for your thoughts. I'm glad you started blogging.

ben willey said...

thank you guys. i was really insecure about blogging because of the its-all-out-there-for-everyone-to-read idea. So thanks for be encouraging and it is fun to be in community with you in another way. Bob, how can i become a reader of your blog?

Anonymous said...

You're an artist, Ben. Thanks for sharing. I was blessed to read, ponder and--rest.