Having a kid.

Having a kid.

Since getting Audi pregnant, I have heard enough advice to last me at least 3 kids (that’s why we are hoping for triplets! No, not at all.). I am not complaining about the advice, but I am a little inundated with it. The thing I hear over and over more than anything else is, “your life will never be the same”. This is usually followed by some type of small giggle or look that says “oh, he has no idea what is about to hit him”.

And I ask myself the question, “do I want a kid?” Now, I know that question is probably offensive to read for some. And some may say it is selfish to ask. I am not asking of whether or not to keep him, but I am asking how am I actually doing with my life about to change. You see, I live in legit fear of my world shrinking. I have seen many parents idolize their children and – on the side - somewhat care about Jesus and what He is doing in the world. It seems that many of them care more about their kids than they do about knowing God, and I believe that is a great sin … and I believe it so lastingly damaging to their kids. No kid should be taught that they are the center of the universe.

Is that what ‘your life will never be the same’ means? Does it mean, that I have a new focus … a focus that will make my concern for Jesus and His mission smaller? Yes, I am scared of that. I am scared that I will idolize my child and place my own identity in how he is doing/living/looks.

Then I think about holding my boy. I think about what it will be like to lead a life in a way a dad is called to lead his son. I think about the awesome and scary responsibilities of providing, protecting, defending, developing and nurturing a life into the world. I think about coaching a soccer team or eating a lot of Chucky Cheese, taking him to his first baseball game, and reading to him some Dr Seuss. I think about trying to understand science homework to give him some confidence. I think about learning to enjoy what he enjoys. Maybe football. Maybe drama. Maybe reading. Maybe Sponge Bob (please NO!).

And … my heart finds itself swelling. Because I do. I want to be a dad. I love that little sucker even though I have only met him through ultrasounds and solid kicks. I am anxious and overwhelmed at the thought of cherishing and praying for and with him. I am scared at the reality that I will pass on my flaws and hurt him with my weakness and failures as a man. But, yes I want to be his father.

I sincerely hope that my life ‘will never be the same’. I hope that I am less selfish. I hope that I can learn what sacrifice is all about. I hope I can face my fears, own my immaturities and weaknesses and provide for my family in all the ways that they need. I hope I can to apologize better.

But, most of all, I hope that I trust a lot more. Not less. I hope that I realize that I need Jesus more. Not less. I hope that this drives me more to know Him in the midst of not knowing how to do this. Not less. I hope that my view on Jesus and His mission will expand. Not shrink.

And for that, I need Him very much. I need Him because I can’t follow Him well on my own, and I sure as heck can’t be a good dad without Him.