Lately I have had a lot of passive self pity. I have been tired, busy and overwhelmed. The weight I have been carrying is too much for me right now. I blame the situations that I am in, and of course, quickly tell myself that I am simply suffering the way Jesus did … and I deserve some well earned points from it.
Pity gives me power. It leads me to anger at the next need, which feels strong. It woos me to false justice, believing that I deserve more, better, best. It takes me to self-righteousness, and when comparing myself with others, I find a way to think of myself as a more deserving person of recognition than the next guy. It gives me bravado and reason to self preserve. In that wall of protection, I am tough. I deserve to fight for me.
But I have realized … I am not busier than normal. I do not have more responsibilities or less help or fewer friends. But, I am still more empty. With Jesus, Anna and others things are chill, but I am still hitting my limit way sooner than normal.
It is ungrieved grief that is burning me out. While I want to blame other people and their needs and demands on me, it is sadness that is gnawing at my soul.
Grief. That is a word that softens me towards others and bothers me in myself. Grief is weak. It is needy. It is unpredictable and unempowering. It feels unsolvable, unending and unconquerable. Self pity is way more fun of a feeling.
My soul feels so naked when it is sad.
But I really am. I am sad. I cannot solve it and Jesus hasn’t seemed to try to fix it either. While I have tried to cover it with lies like ‘I am just so busy’, the reality of it is I cannot handle the normal load I can usually. I am really weak, easily tired, and am frequently overwhelmed, confused and hurt. I am very sensitive to people’s words and can barely think about leaving Winnetka. I love my friends here (from ages 2 to 92) that I really am hurting to leave. I have moments where I think through the good-byes, and I want to hide.
And, the thing is, to hurt is not to heal. Going through that pain does not produce instant therapy. It just hurts. It just sucks.
Jesus doesn’t seem to be leading me out of this grief either. He is trying to get me to sit in it. I’d rather not. I’d rather work on other’s needs and then just feel the empowering feelings of pity that says I was noble to care for them rather than me. I prefer this false martyrdom over true grief anyday.
The truth is I am scared to feel the fears I have about leaving. I am scared to tell my own heart that I don’t know how to say goodbye to people I love. I am embarrassed how much these people mean to me, and am afraid that they will be much more okay with me gone than I will be to leave. I am scared to open a door to sadness, because I don’t know how much is in there. I don’t know how long it will take to clean up.
God, help me grieve. Be gentle with me because in grief I am a lot less tough than I am when steeled in pity.
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Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Ben, thanks for sharing this (yes, I know it was MONTHS ago...) but thanks for putting this up. Your process, your openness and honesty is beautiful to see. Do you mind if I share this with some people?
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